Starsky’s Plan For Cleaning Out The Fridge by D. Starsky
(Found by MatSir in a stack of old police reports marked Must Be Rewritten)
1. See if you can wheedle, trick or seduce Hutch into doing it for you.
1a. No luck? On to step two.
2. Pull out everything that doesn’t make your skin crawl and set it aside.
3. Okay, you’re going back in — you can do this! — you’ve faced down mob bosses for Pete’s sake so man up! Pull a chair, trash can and that container for Hutch’s homemade fertilizer up to the scene of the crime and start sorting the remains.
3a. If you can identify it, but it’s some Twilight Zone version of itself, it goes in Blondie’s compost bin.
3b. If you can’t id it or there’s slimy goop or that gray-green-blue fur in the container, toss it in the trash can.
3b-1. Don’t let Hutch catch you tossing out “Perfectly Good Tupperware” he’ll dig it out and swear it’s still usable after a good wash, no matter what kind of smell haunts the plastic.
4. Wash the shelves and drawers.
4a. Keep the trash can nearby just in case your fingers encounter some semi-gelatinous relic behind the crisper; it’s quicker to toss your lunch right there instead of trying to make it to the john.
4b. Million dollar idea! Wax job! Like for a car, but for the refrigerator so stuff cleans off easier.
4b-1. Ignore Hutch’s reaction. His car’s parts haven’t seen a wax job since rolling off all its various showroom floors.
5. Put back the still-probably-good stuff so Hutch has something to throw away when it’s his turn to tackle this tzuris.
6. Find the red Sharpie. Write the date and ‘I did it last time!’ on the new baking soda box.
6a. Vow not to let the offer of a Hutchinson Two Hour Special con you into doing this when it’s his turn.
7. Starving! Call for a pizza.
